analog diary

Trying to cure my cynicism through art and other beautiful things. Mostly 35mm photographer, sometimes writer, sometimes singer, sometimes bullshitter. Original posts for the most part (photos will be dated or sourced), although l am an avid sharer of inspiring things as well. A jaded yet hopeful soul maneuvering my way through this modern world. Enjoy my disorganized mind.
4u0qt
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  • Fine

    I was fine before you showed up.
    You materialized before my eyes
    and you rocked my world.
    You stimulated my brain and 
    you were comfortable with my silence and
    we were fucking explosive.
    All it took was a quick glance exchanged 
    to communicate without words
    everything that needed to be said.
    Rarely does any member of the human race
    put my anxiety ridden mind at ease,
    I wish I had never known that peace.
    I wish I had never tasted
    that sweet calm in my soul

    You were all at once everything I’ve needed
    and in an instant you held 
    my fragile psyche in your calloused hands,
    while a malicious grin spread cheek to cheek.
    I watched you cautiously, 
    like watching a child reach for a puppy
    unsure whether it will stroke or strike the innocent creature.
    You kissed me tenderly, then
    you kicked me remorselessly.
    Helped me up, only to push me back into the dirt.
    Tended to my wounds only to
    rip off the bandages and douse them in salt.
    I never knew whether to 
    accept your embrace or flinch at your touch.
    I was aware that you were poisonous to me
    but I was addicted to our connection, you see,
    comfortable companionship is rare for me
    and I tend to sacrifice self respect 
    to stave off the eventual loneliness.

    You begged, you pleaded
    every time I tried to leave.
    You swore I belonged to you, and you belonged to me.
    You baited me with talk of love and
    doe eyed and weary, I thought I’d trust you once more
    but you led me to a trap door and 
    you pulled the rug out from under me and
    down and down I fell, and here I am.
    The soft edges of your affection no longer surround me.
    But then again, your claws no longer caress me,
    no longer threaten to lacerate me.
    I existed before you and, 
    goddamnit, I will exist after you.
    But right now everything feels crooked.
    My once vibrant existence is now
    a dim, flickering bulb.

    And somehow, I miss you,
    and I hate myself for that.
    Your self interest makes me sick to my stomach
    but I can’t help to take a cool dip in the sea of nostalgia
    when the fire of my heart’s fury makes me sweat.
    I swim past fond memories of 
    reading aloud to you in bed and
    letting you see my poetry and

    spending evenings in because we both understood
    the exasperation of social interaction and
    Oh god I love you. Oh god, I hate you. Oh god,
    I was fucking fine before you showed up.
    But now everything is crooked, so crooked,
    I was fine. I was fine. I am fine.
    Am I fine?

    (Source: vanalogue)

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