I was fine before you showed up.
You materialized before my eyes
and you rocked my world.
You stimulated my brain and
you were comfortable with my silence and
we were fucking explosive.
All it took was a quick glance exchanged
to communicate without words
everything that needed to be said.
Rarely does any member of the human race
put my anxiety ridden mind at ease,
I wish I had never known that peace.
I wish I had never tasted
that sweet calm in my soul
You were all at once everything I’ve needed
and in an instant you held
my fragile psyche in your calloused hands,
while a malicious grin spread cheek to cheek.
I watched you cautiously,
like watching a child reach for a puppy
unsure whether it will stroke or strike the innocent creature.
You kissed me tenderly, then
you kicked me remorselessly.
Helped me up, only to push me back into the dirt.
Tended to my wounds only to
rip off the bandages and douse them in salt.
I never knew whether to
accept your embrace or flinch at your touch.
I was aware that you were poisonous to me
but I was addicted to our connection, you see,
comfortable companionship is rare for me
and I tend to sacrifice self respect
to stave off the eventual loneliness.
You begged, you pleaded
every time I tried to leave.
You swore I belonged to you, and you belonged to me.
You baited me with talk of love and
doe eyed and weary, I thought I’d trust you once more
but you led me to a trap door and
you pulled the rug out from under me and
down and down I fell, and here I am.
The soft edges of your affection no longer surround me.
But then again, your claws no longer caress me,
no longer threaten to lacerate me.
I existed before you and,
goddamnit, I will exist after you.
But right now everything feels crooked.
My once vibrant existence is now
a dim, flickering bulb.
And somehow, I miss you,
and I hate myself for that.
Your self interest makes me sick to my stomach
but I can’t help to take a cool dip in the sea of nostalgia
when the fire of my heart’s fury makes me sweat.
I swim past fond memories of
reading aloud to you in bed and
letting you see my poetry and
spending evenings in because we both understood
the exasperation of social interaction and
Oh god I love you. Oh god, I hate you. Oh god,
I was fucking fine before you showed up.
But now everything is crooked, so crooked,
I was fine. I was fine. I am fine.
Am I fine?
[AGGRESSIVELY DOESN’T MAKE ANY ATTEMPT AT INTERACTION BUT STILL WANTS TO BE YOUR FRIEND]